A letter to my daughter

A letter to my daughter

It seems as if it was just the other day that we welcomed you into this world, with open arms. I remember holding you and loving every second, you were my little angel from above. I remember your first smile, and how you used to grip my finger tightly – these little memories are sketched into my brain for all eternity!

You are now almost four, and still continue to bring the most amazing joy into our home, you have such a clever way with words and are so loving and caring, we could never imagine our life without you.

But my little bug, there are things i want to share with you today, i hope you get to read them one day.

1. Firstly, my princess i want you to be whatever your heart desires you to be, do not imitate anyone, remain true to yourself and never ever change to please some one else. Reach for the stars ❤

2. Always remember that no one owes you anything, if someone loves you, its because of something special in you that brought them huge joy. I hope you find what that "special thing is" and as you grow older may it grow with you

3. Never let the child in you die. Fairy tales are so much fun, may you continue to catch the butterflies and chase the fairies ❤

4. Friends are absolutely amazing, you have many many friends that love you dearly, some will stay with you forever, and many will go, this is life. Try to be the best friend you can be, and when you lose a friend dont make it about you – you are loved.

5. love your body, you are so beautiful in every way, you dont have to be a magazines perception of beautiful, beauty comes from within and it absolutely glows out of you.

6. Never be afraid to work hard, i know it sucks. But i can promise you one thing, do your best and never give up, your dad and I will never give up on you.

7. Dont just be nice to your brother, be his biggest supporter and his bestest friend, you can also be his most constructive critic. You will be so grateful he is your brother in time and you will always need each other.

8. when you feel down try to find the one thing that makes you happy, whether it be music, poetry or dancing, you are incredibly creative and when you are being creative you will find your happy place.

9. never believe the negative thoughts that pop into your mind – they arent true – i promise.

10. there will be many days where you may think you hate me, when you are angry and frustrated and there will be days where i feel the same about you. Its ok to be angry, but always remember that no matter what – i may not always like you and you may not always like me – but we will always love each other. The love i have for you can never be broken.

11. Try to understand that no one is perfect, we all make mistakes, i promise to always try do my best in recognizing my mistakes. You are my teacher and i am yours.

12. Dont bother with any man who you think cares about you, but cant show it or say it…. if he cant tell you he loves you, then he will never be able to handle the big conversations that are required for a healthy and long relationship. You deserve to hear words that portray love and affection throughout your life for ever.

13. Respect yourself…. you are an amazing individual!

14. Trust your instincts – intuition doesn't lie.

15. Some of your best memories will come from some of your most foolish decisions – relish in those moments!

16. Make it your life long mission to be so busy loving your life – you have no time for fear or regret.

17. A good laugh and a long sleep are the two greatest cures for anything ….

18. There is a purpose in everything and everyone that comes into your life.

19. Be open minded and never be afraid to learn something new.

and lastly you have a man in your life that has set the bar…. – dont settle for anything or anyone less than the extraordinary example your dad has set for you…

You are my greatest blessing and most inspiring accomplishment…. i love you infinity!

There is a reason for the pain!

(PLEASE NOTE THIS IS NOT A PRO NATURAL BIRTH POST, I AM STILL WAITING FOR MY C-SECTION TRAINING SESSION)

This is a brief post about what I have learnt during my Doula training.
The Female body is AMAZING. The end.

Ok ok, not quite that short but it truly is absolutely amazing; I am in awe at my own body and at every other womans’ body out there who has ever delivered a baby. There are just so many things that I have learnt with regards to the vaginal birth of a baby I just can’t not share it! You all probably know all this already and if you haven’t I hope I have taught you something, I also didn’t attend ante natal classes with either of my pregnancies so I’m not sure if this is learnt during those classes, if it is I’m very sad I missed out on it prior to my children’s births. Bare in mind though I am still training and so some terms I may not get 100% accurate, some of my spelling might be wrong and I may end up waffling. But this is just to amazing not to write about!

Reason 1 for the pain,
I always wondered how labour actually began, aside from the medical interventions – how does spontaneous labour actually begin? Well did you know that the baby starts releasing hormones to the mothers body which in turn allows the mom to start releasing oxytocin which then starts labour…. yes the baby makes that decision, Scientists are not 100 % sure as to how this happens but it does. When labour does eventually start – after what feels like 200years for some moms, the baby apparently signals to the mothers posterior pituarity gland (which is in her brain) so she then begins to release oxytocin which as we all know is the hormone needed to start labour (the medical drug that would induce labour is called Pitocin). Just that alone is absolutely amazing – how a baby can do all that…. is absolutely inspiring!

Reason 2 for the pain,
Also another thing I found to be absolutely crazy is – so the baby comes out right obviously if you give into gravity (ie: stand up) there’s a better chance of the baby moving into position etc during labour – along with many other birthing positions of course but let’s not get into that right now. But what makes the baby actually move downward – aside from gravity? With each contraction, the uterus is actually made smaller at the top, which in turn squeezes the baby downward… I didn’t know this! I thought that’s what after birth contractions were for – to make the uterus go back to its original size… which in essence it is BUT the actually birth contractions assist the baby in being pushed down ward toward the exit! So not only is your cervix opening more and more with each contraction – but the uterus gets smaller and smaller at the top of the baby, the baby isn’t just going to stay in that tiny little space now is it – nope it gets pushed closer and closer each time… Wow!!!!

Reason 3 for the pain,
Did you know just how much the baby actually twists and turns on order to squeeze out a hole only 10cm?? Measure 10cm – look exactly how small that whole it, there is no way that one can push a baby out without the baby being co-operative (as well as without the pregnant woman trying all sorts of different moves to assist the baby to get into those positions)
So let’s take a baby that is in the correct position to be birthed – therefore the baby should be facing your back. Now the birthing canal isn’t facing straight down ward – it’s at a natural curve… I didn’t know this either lol! (dumb woman alert!!!) So baby is facing your back and has to bend to come out the vjayjay – yes I know my explanations suck!!! So babies head naturally bends backward (yes BACKWARDS!) slightly and then as he/she comes out he/she turns his/her head… now the head is facing one way and the body is facing another – So the baby turns his/her body to be in line with the head and then the body is able to slide out…. yes the baby does all this!!!!! That is why there is often a reason for the doctors/midwives telling you not to push because they try to give the baby some time to get into the correct position as well as assist the baby where they can… (I didn’t know this either!) Aswell as the babies skull being soft/movable at birth to assist in squeezing out that tiny little whole! How can a tiny little baby do all of this?? It’s absolutely crazy!!!

Reason 4 for the pain,
If you are lying flat on your back, imagine the amount of pressure one puts on their back/tail bone… it hurts terribly (I know as I was stuck on my back in my first labour) by standing up OR getting into the all fours position, this uses gravity to create a little bit more space for the itty bitty baby to try and get into the appropriate positions as well as takes pressure off your back  what a clever body we have???

Reason 5 for the pain,
The moms body naturally releases hormones to assist with the pain, if one just listens to their body…. they will be able to naturally alleviate the pain without the use of pain medication.

There are so many other things I have learnt that would have helped me HUGE amounts in my labour with my children… I wish I had done all this before having them!
I am just in awe at the womans body right now and how the baby and mom assist each other in the birth. I’m in the middle of a work day getting so caught up in all this that I have to stop myself before I forget that I actually have a normal job! To pregnant moms around the world – remember there is a REASON for the pain…. everything during labour is connected to helping everything else which is connected to you finally holding your bundle of joy! Never forget that!

(I will update these as my training gets further and further)

PARENTING – Am I doing it right?

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This weekend, putting it frankly, this weekend was pure and utter torture. On Friday night when I eventually got home from picking up the kids from school, my eldest Rosy was just ridiculous, she did not stop crying for about an hour, for absolutely no reason and when she tried to talk to me it was in a high pitched squeak that was absolutely impossible to understand, then from crying it went into a moan, a very monotone moan… My husband and I were seconds away from booking ourselves into a mental institute when finally she said a word we could understand – Nanny! We jumped on that word – so jumping back a few years –  we used to live on the same premises as my in-laws when Rosy was born until about just after her 2nd birthday, she has a very strong bond with her Nanny (my mother in-law). So we asked her if she wanted to go stay at Nanny, within split seconds the tears disappeared and her normal voice came back and she shouted yes… ok that was easy enough – except it was 6pm and nanny lives just under an hour away….  My husband offered to take her and Drey to give me time to chill – at last. At last!!!!! They walked out the door, I hopped onto that couch and I didn’t move for an hour! The house was dead quiet…. the roads outside were dead quite… all I could hear was the kitten purring, what heaven. When my hubby got home from dropping off Rosy, Drey was asleep – so practically speaking, I was child free for the WHOLE night… no fighting, no arguing, no teasing, no screaming, no nagging….

Saturday I had my Doula training and so obviously I was child free again… what bliss…

Sunday…. there are no words to describe Sunday, well not in my dictionary anyway. We had small moms meet up for breakfast at one of the local restaurants… My youngest wouldn’t stop running away, I guess the 50000 other children there, along with all the different colours and noises didn’t sit too well with him, my eldest wouldn’t stop sitting on my lap and whining for 60% of the morning… Obviously giving me minimal time to interact with the moms that I had met up with, this also paused my plans of visiting a family member afterward because if they were acting like that just an hour or two after they had woken up – it paved the way for their moods the rest of the day. I was getting frustrated, sad, upset, annoyed – how dare they ruin my plans for the day!!! On the way home I realized, they are human, they have their good days and their bad days – just like adults do! So here I sit getting annoyed with them because they are having “normal” emotions and a “normal” bad day – as do most other people. As a mom I should be understanding toward them and their emotions instead I’m getting frustrated and I’m trying to discipline them…. Discipline them for what exactly? Being moody? So in hindsight – I should be disciplined when I have a bad day? Um, no because it’s normal right? So in actual fact as their mom I should try and help them through it and explain that while it’s ok to be grumpy, we also have to try and do things to get out of those grumpy moods so in this case they needed a nap, it had been a long week for them, early mornings, late nights, busy days and by the time we got home they were both fast asleep – question answered!!! I just need to try find the patience to help them work through their moods – especially the youngest since he is non verbal yet. As a mom I just be lenient with my weekend plans – because with kids you NEVER know how it’s going to pan out and why take them out to a place when they clearly are not in the mood to deal with all the activities that might happen when we get there? Why make them suffer that way? Obviously the family member was not very impressed with me for not arriving for my visit, but they wouldn’t understand as their children are much older and they had very different parenting views to me.

I decided to nap with the kids on Sunday, and my wonderful person that is – the hubby didn’t wake me up when the kids woke up either, I ended up sleeping until 4pm!!! First time in a very long time that I had slept during the day for so long and it was much needed. When I woke up the kids were an abundance of happiness and energy, absolutely blissful after their moody escapade just a few hours before! We spoilt them to going out for supper instead of staying indoors all evening, allowing them to really run out all their energy, this is the reason I LOVE spur in Scottburgh – the play area is large and spacious giving the kids enough space to play catches or hide and seek. Spur was empty so this gave my husband and I, a chance to play with the kids even though it was raining. We played catches with them, we bounced on the trampoline with them, we played hide and seek with them – the restaurant was filled with giggles and laughter coming from two very happy children. They both went to sleep without a fight that night, with a tummy full of nice food and a smile on their faces.

After a very tiring and confusing weekend this made me very happy – I learnt something new about my children and about myself. Now if anyone can spare me some patience to get through this week “just in case” my kids get grumpy for no reason accept its “normal” for them to have mood swings – I would really appreciate it 😀 And yes – getting to this point of understanding did begin with a lot of stern talking to and naughty mat threats… I’m still young, I’m still learning daily, I make mistakes all the time and often I don’t think I’m cut out to do this whole parenting thing, we often have me in tears, kids in tears, me phoning the hubby or messaging the hubby for reassurance, me getting upset because I don’t know if I made the right decision in which way to parent my child. But with small positives such as this little learning curve – I think I’m doing ok…. I hope…

When I said I DO, I didn’t mean laundry!

Our wedding day 27 November 2010

Our wedding day 27 November 2010

Ahhhh falling in love – yes falling in love is the easy part… its the staying there that is the hard part. The emotions involved when it comes to falling in love can make you feel like you have a belly full of butterflies and as if you are standing on top of the world! However those butterflies tend to fade after some time, and that euphoric feeling doesn’t last forever either. Without taking the steps needed to obtain a mature love, you can fall out of love just as easily as you fell into it. Falling in love is an experience that happens naturally, you don’t need to put any planning or effort or work into it – it just happens. You can very easily be swept off your feet in mere seconds without even thinking too much about it. When you are falling in love, emotions take over,  in fact it has been proven that while falling in love the brains chemicals change it has often been compared to the hypo manic phase of bipolar disorder….  Showing affection comes natural with your new found love – but how does one get that feeling to stay put and last a life time?

feel the butterflies??

feel the butterflies??

Have you ever taken the time to try and figure out how good or healthy your marriage is? Of course there are no blood tests or exams one can take to give you a breakdown of “Oh yes Mrs Jones your marriage is 9/10 on the marriage blood test – well done high five!” – well wouldn’t that be easy! Some people are absolutely flabbergasted by the mention of the word divorce their thinking is well I’m happy so my marriage must be good – but it doesn’t work like that, we are not living in an ideal world.  It is very important to examine you marriage to try and see if you are happy in every single emotional, physical, sexual and mental department of a marriage and see if it lines up with your spouses.

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Some don’t think that happiness relates to marital satisfaction, instead they look for how they are dealing in the bad times. Are they able to take the good and bad and make it through together then one automatically assumes their marriage is going great.  But marriage is about more than that – and no I don’t mean sharing the laundry or dishes either!!!! Improving on ones marriage doesn’t require huge massive interventions, often changing little day to day habits can make those huge gigantic differences in how you feel and act towards your spouse. Whether you want to keep your marriage healthy or you need to reignite the long lost spark change the small things and you will be one step closer towards a blissfully happy marriage.

We just said i DO!

We just said i DO!

What happens when you reach that point where you are straddling the fence of divorce and it feels like your only two options is to stay in an unsatisfying marriage or get divorced….. The dreaded D word! That is the hardest place to be, especially when one has children involved. Hopefully you jump across to the third option and that is to try and improve and enjoy your relationship once again… It is impossible to fix something if you don’t know what it is that is broken, take time to identify what the problem by simply saying “I’m not happy” this doesn’t give one a solid problem, if you can identify the concrete reasons as to what is causing the unhappiness – that will offer you much more solutions. This is where communication comes into play… with yourself, with your spouse – identify the root of the problem and work your way up from there.

A key thing to remember is that emotions are contagious, they are like a bad cold, or even chicken pox – spend enough time with others and you are likely to catch whatever they have – whether it be the case of the giggles or a case of a cold. Prime example, if you wake up in a bad mood 9 times out of 10 by the end of the day – the rest of the family will be grumpy to. Try and avoid it, we are all human, we all have our days, perhaps if you are in a bad mood communicate to your spouse or yourself why and try and move passed it.

Our first dance <3

Our first dance ❤

The good marriage. Is it at all possible? Do we all want it? Do we all want to keep it? I’m sure everyone is answering yes…. it is true that Love conquers all but it is not that romantic surge which is enough but rather the love that draws things and people rightly together. It involves a lot of work, a lot of patience and a lot of understanding.

My marriage is far from perfect, my family is far from perfect – we have upset days and fights and arguments and we have blissfully happy days. I hope that one day we can acquire the good marriage – the one that lasts. I hope one day we can learn to understand each other better and work through our differences. I think if you and your partner have one common goal in mind, it makes marriage a lot easier. I am young, 23 years old to be exact… I have an abundance of lessons I am still yet to learn… I am very open minded and I’m trying to be more compassionate to my partners feelings and needs – and I hope that one day I will be classed as the perfect wife 😀

That euphoric feeling :D

That euphoric feeling 😀

After many years of being married a married couple runs a great risk of becoming more like roommates – I’m sure we all have these days especially with kids, you kind of live passed each other daily.  The good news is that there are tons of things couples can do to help bring back those loving, blissful and butterfly feelings. One of the best ways is to change your thoughts and behaviours. When one starts to think differently and do things differently you will feel differently. This is especially true when you change how you feel about your spouse; make some small changes which will make a drastic change in how you feel.

One of the most important things to remember though is that no marriage is perfect, every couple has arguments and in differences, it’s how you react towards them and work through them that will make the world of difference.

I wish you all the luck in your marriage journey – try and remember that a marriage isn’t 50/50 – if you are not in it or your partner is not in it 100% – then there is a problem, and yes this even includes the chores around the house!!!!

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4a.m knows all my secrets

Mommies princess pie <3

Mommies princess pie ❤

My first was a classic text book baby, slept through from 9pm to 5/6am from about 3 weeks old and barely ever cried half the time my husband and I didn’t know what to do with ourselves we even started questioning her existence at one point – she was just so quiet and calm and content ALL the time!

Her first smile :)

Her first smile 🙂

You would think after the traumatic birth she had endured she would have been born kicking and screaming – but nope, she wasn’t even born crying, they had to shake her up a bit to get her to make a sound! As she grew she continued to be a text book baby, was NEVER sick, sat on cue, crawled on cue, walked on cue – enjoyed any and all foods as well as continued to love her sleep…She smiled often, coo-ed a lot, and generally just preferred to be chilling on her own checking out the world!

Happy & content

Happy & content

daddies angel <3

daddies angel ❤

And then we come to Drey…. Drey was far from a text book baby – in fact I don’t think there is a book written in this whole wide world on what describes him. He was born quick & fast – I don’t think any of us earthbound individuals had time to prepare for his arrival never mind him. He pretty much walked out my vjayjay, not giving us a second glance and his kicks and screams were louder and stronger than any newborn I had ever met. They put him in his incubator and he did three 360 degree turns in the space of 10 minutes and was lying wrong side up and wrong way round when we went to go pick him up.

I love you always!

I love you always!

Drey is now 19 months old…. and I can count on my hand how many times he has slept through. Which is fine I know not all babies sleep through straight off the bad, I know it’s a milestone for them – it’s something they have to learn bla bla bla fish paste. But as parents we need at least an inch of sanity which obviously requires at least 5 hours of straight solid sleep – if we are lucky. You would think being a second time parent you would be more prepared, but I can guarantee you, nothing on this planet – can prepare you for being awake for 51 hours solid. NOTHING. I can remember sitting up with him, in tears myself, not knowing what to do to try and get him to sleep, trying everything in the book to try and get him to calm down, to googling everything under the sun on what may or may not work and in between all this trying to raise a busy toddler.

Sleeplessness can drive a person crazy, I know I have been there, I have felt myself drift off to sleep while standing and slaving over the stove. I have fallen asleep in the bath, in the car, on the toilet – pretty much everywhere you are not supposed to fall asleep.

Those coo coo bird eyes <3

Those coo coo bird eyes ❤

See with me there are different stages when it comes to tiredness…

Stage 1- The yawn, this is when my brain continually tells my mouth to yawn regardless of the situation… I could be minutes away from jumping off Brooklyn Bridge and I’ll still be yawning.

Stage 2- The tears, this is when my eyes don’t stop crying, even though I’m not physically crying, the tears keep streaming down my face from forcefully keeping my eyes open.

Stage 3- The baby brain, yes you guess it, the baby brain takes on a whole other level mixed with tiredness – I’ve often forgotten my name. This feeling is similar to intoxication.

Stage 4 – The mystifying giggles, I don’t know why, how, where, when, who – but EVERYTHING is just so hilarious funny that I end up on the floor in fits of laughter!

Stage 5 – Knock out, yes…. you get to a point where you physically cannot stay away, this is similar to anaesthetic – “now count backwards from 10 to 1…. 10…..9…..8……. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

He has always loved to swim!

He has always loved to swim!

I have reached all these stages at one point in my mommy hood – and at this rate, I don’t think the stages have officially left the building, just yesterday I was asked if I was high – I guess I was in stage 3???

The amount I’ve times I’ve looked my son dead in the eye at 4am and begged him to sleep, just for an hour or twelve! I was told to sleep train before 4 months, before 6 months before 1 year, I was not to sleep train at all, and I was told if I didn’t sleep train my baby would never learn to sleep without me. i was told if I co-slept he would sleep better, if I didn’t co-sleep he would sleep even better!  I was told that my child wouldn’t need to be rocked or soothed in matric so don’t stress about forming bad habits, I was told if i continued to rock or soothe my baby I would be forming bad habits. I was told to teach baby to nap in his bed from day one, that way he will know its sleep time I was told if I let him sleep elsewhere, it would form bad habits – I was told to not worry -_- I was told to swaddle tightly, but not too tightly, to keep him warm but not to warm, i was told to put him on his back to sleep but not too long who he will be developmentally delayed, I was told to put him on his side to sleep but not too long who he will be developmentally delayed, I was told to put him on his tummy to sleep but not too long who he will be developmentally delayed…. Give him a dummy it will help him sleep, don’t give him a dummy it’s bad for his jaw… wake him up if he’s slept to long, don’t wake a sleeping baby ever!

Midnight play sessions :p

Midnight play sessions :p

WHAT THE HELL does one believe??? So here I am, with a world wind of do’s and don’ts and maybe’s – with my SECOND child who still doesn’t sleep…

My take on things?? Well actually, I don’t have one, I’m just trying to keep myself and my kids alive and not go insane…

Drey is the happiest, funniest most charismatic toddler around – I love him with all my heart and soul. Although it would be the most amazing experience to be able to enjoy my children without hitting the above tired stages at all – ever! Ahhhh the joys, the joys of the unknown…

His first smile :)

His first smile 🙂

Honey – Its sexy time…….

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(I think this post MIGHT be PG rated??)
When speaking to friends who have had babies, I get many mixed responses with regards to their bedroom life! Some say their libido has far exceeded what it was before, some say their husband mustn’t come near them with a 10ft pole and some haven’t noticed a difference.
Obviously we all know it’s recommended to wait 6 weeks after giving birth before jumping back into the sack – and for some men this is pure torture (ladies remember there are ways to please your partner without involving penetration! Be creative). It is common for some woman to have loss of libido for up to 6 weeks post partum, hell you’re body has gone through the most mentally, physically and emotionally traumatizing change it will ever go through in its whole life – give it a break! You will also find lubrication will be much less than normal for a few weeks due to the increased loss of estrogen, and if you are breastfeeding this may persist for much longer.
But what happens when the missing libido – gets completely lost in translation, for much longer than the “norm”? What effect does it have on the relationship between the newly found mom & dad? Will it feel the same as it did before I pushed this 10 pound baby out? Will my husband still find me attractive? Yes I’m sure we’ve asked ourselves these questions many many times…. well at least I have any way!
Things were going along just peachy in the sex department well they must have been if you got pregnant didn’t you? Nine months later out popped an exhausting, tiring, crying newborn…. along with all the cute stuff he/she comes with there are also many un-cute stuff – like frequent night wakings, frequent poop changes and of course the fear of the unknown, family changes and this huge big new responisibilty makes post bump sex… much more challenging. baby-feet-in-bed-parents

So here are some things I have been told by 4 new mothers

“Sex feels like just another chore”,

“After a busy day running around after a newborn I am still getting to know – the last thing I want to do is have sex, I’m exhausted!”

“I don’t feel sexy enough, especially with all this added baby weight”

“I can’t wait to do the deed again; I think my sex drive is in fast forward motion!”

I think we should look at this from two angles… the mens’ view and the womens’ view.

MEN

If you were one of the lucky few that were trying to conceive – and your bundle of joy wasn’t an oopsy! Your man is used to getting sex on a regular basis… if not every day. And now his little sex machine, has popped out this gorgeous baby that you both created and is completely against sex… how does his affect him?

WOMEN

You are going through the biggest and hardest hormonal and body changes your body has ever had to go through, and now your husband is nagging for sex – and you feel guilty because you just can’t do it!!!

Here is my opinion – It may be very biased though…
I HATE SEX…. I have hated it since the day my first born popped out of me… and she is now almost 4 years old. I’m also still trying to figure out WHERE ON EARTH those nympho’s find the time to want it 24/7? Ok honey, I’ll just squeeze it in between, feed the kids and wash my hair??? My poor husband has been very understanding and patient but here are a few things I have realized and maybe they will save you and your husband’s sanity!
1. My mind so preoccupied with kids, work, studies, life…. everything really! The last thing on my mind is being “horny”… so I may not be in the mood every second of every day – but help me out a little (meaning my husband), help me forget the day to day worries – help me feel sexy…. “Climb the palm tree!” – unlike you I needed a little bit more foreplay than oxygen to get me in the mood.
2. The more I do it…. the more I want it… (Yes ladies this is true!)
3. Even if I don’t feel like doing it right now – 10 minutes into nookie nookie, I’ll admit, I’m enjoying it!
4. Romance me, I feel like absolute shit after a busy day, work – kids – stress – our (meaning woman) sex drive is not on the surface as it is with most men – its deeper than that.. So Romance me. Please and thank you.

These have kind of helped me in getting back into the swing of things, and I hope it helps you too – also remember that communication is very vital both pre and post baby! Don’t forget to speak to your partner about how, why, when, where you are feeling XYZ…. this will help him understand the confusion that is “woman”.

And then a small tip from the other side of the coin,
Mommy 1.
Some womans sex drives completely EXPLODE post baby, they just can’t get enough, so to the men that may hopefully not read this – here is a piece from a mommy suffering because she wants it more and her partner isn’t very interested : The desire to be wanted and feel sexy never goes away just because your title changes to “mommy”. Feeling discarded by your partner can leave you feeling unwanted and unattractive which affects every part of your life. To want more sex than a man isn’t really the norm for most couples so one would expect the man would just jump at the chance, however the opposition happens.

It must be extremely difficult either way and to find that balance to ensure both parties are happy – is rather difficult. But just allow yourself to relax – let loose and how the sexy time to take over – so enough those annoying hormones will jump back into action – I hope 😀

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The honest truth about Post Natal Depression

I absolutely hated the first few months after I gave birth to my son. Ok phew that was easy enough to say out loud! Is the elephant out the room now??

parent-and-baby

What this blog contains will most probably draw gasps of shock – horror- disgust – from some woman who are newly pregnant and are on this wonderful amazing roller coaster of love for their unborn child. Others may know EXACTLY the feelings I am describing below.

I’m not writing this to put fear into pregnant moms or alarm you, I’m simply getting out in the open what is deemed as taboo in todays day and age –  and to let others know that it is OK to have post natal depression, it is OK to speak up about it, it is OK – it is OK! OK???

No matter how unhappy, alone and sad i felt - Drey was always such a happy baby!!!!

No matter how unhappy, alone and sad i felt – Drey was always such a happy baby!!!!

THE SEGMENT WRITTEN BELOW _ I WROTE  RIGHT SMACK BAM IN THE MIDDLE OF A VERY DEPRESSED STATE:

My pregnancy with my daughter was a difficult one; I was going through the government hospital system and as a first time mom had many worries about the way they did things, they often sent me home with unanswered questions along with more worries. When my water broke but no labour began I went to the hospital only to be sent home because there were no doctors on duty on a Sunday. I went back on the Monday waited the whole day and still had not been seen by anyone. Eventually a family member picked me up and rushed me through to a semi private hospital she paid cash and I was seen to right away. They checked my daughter and myself my water had broken and they needed to induce me asap. If labour didn’t begin within 12 hours I would need a c section. They tried two different methods before eventually trying pitocin which kicked in within minutes. It was very traumatic I was not allowed off the bed during labour which is all I wanted to do, get up walk around do squats anything to try ease the pain. I screamed for hours before eventually begging for an epidural. By then it was too late I was 2cm away from the big push! I had a dry birth which is the most painful thing I’d ever been through along with them cutting me (episiotomy). I passed out into a dead sleep within minutes of her birth. But it was soooo worth every second she was the most beautiful baby in the world I was in love. .. Not like a “I wanna marry you kinda love” that you have with your partner but an “I never wanna let You out of my site in case I miss your awe striking beauty” kind of love. Things were perfect my family was perfect I was on top of the world. I stayed home with her for 11 months before venturing out into the working world. Adamant I was never ever going to have another child. Until it happened. .. I was on the pill and bam there was a bun in the oven. I cried for days that turn to weeks that turn to months thinking he would go away, I was dreaming, he wasn’t real and would vanish. I tried to accept it I really did I would involve my daughter in baby shopping and tell her she would have a brother but in hindsight I really was so depressed I kept trying to avoid the fact that there really was a baby, in my stomach, again. I feared the labour and delivery like nothing ever before I cried about it and the trauma I would have to go through again. It was inevitable and it was nearing rapidly. I had the most beautiful labour and delivery, very quick, much much less painful and extremely easy. But when I saw him. There was nothing, no speechless dazes, awe stricken stares, over whelming emotions full of love and compassion. I was dead. Blank. Broken. At 6 weeks post partum I was diagnosed with PND and placed on medication. It had horrible side effects making me exhausted constantly so I weaned myself and prayed through the hard times hoping I would soon love him and it would all soon pass. I feel sorry for him. Everyone does they all voice their opinions talk about me behind back. I can see the stares and compassionate eyes drilling holes through me. But no one asks how I’m feeling. They think I’m crazy I can see it. I mean how can you not love your own child? I must be crazy. But then again I read books and stories on PND and see that I’m not alone there are so many people like me out there. My kids deserve a normal mother. And I’m trying I really am. I guess in hindsight I am normal but as my daughter says…” it’s ok mommy you’re just a bit sad sometimes”. When asked the reason as to why I didn’t want any more children the obvious traumatic birthing experience I had with my daughter sprung to mind,. And yes I should be ever so grateful that God entrusted me to bring up these two tiny humans and teach them all about the world, especially after being told I would be unable to conceive. My, how I’ve repeated that to myself so much it almost has no meaning. They say depression is like a big dark hole that you can’t get out of. Well “they” are completely wrong… at least a hole has a wall around it holding it up keeping it stable… no one can describe how it is, because it’s nothing filled with more nothing. No love, no emotion, no compassion, no feeling just blank. I’ve put on this facade and its great and people believe it. I won’t lie I have been happy over the passed 16months… generally when it involves me being away from my son, or alot of alcohol. I feel like his real mom will come pick him up at any moment, she never does though. I find myself squeezing him tightly (maybe too tightly) in the struggle of trying to get him to sleep, or not so gently placing him in his cot to cry it out while I try calm myself, or screaming until I can’t hear his cries. These are things a real mom wouldn’t do. A real mom would comfort and sing and rock and play and pat and cuddle. .. I don’t feel like doing any of that. I don’t want to get out of bed, because I know that at least if I’m in bed asleep I don’t have to hold him. Or look at him. Or think about him. I found myself driving around today, him in the back in his chair, at least I know he won’t cry there, in a fit of tears completely distraught and broken by what I’ve become. I can’t wait for the real Cayley to come back from her holiday. I can’t wait to enjoy my days at home and not be surrounded by sadness and anger and frustration and complete and utter distraught.

So if you are reading this and you feel any of the above, I’ve been told it’s so normal for many moms. I’ve been told it will pass. I’m told that things do get better. I have reached any of those milestones yet, but I’m waiting very patiently ……

One of the rare moments of me holding my little man!

One of the rare moments of me holding my little man!

UPDATE:

My son and I are now very much in love; he is the most amazing, beautiful, stunning, cute, charismatic, funny and smart little boy! I read back on the segment above, and I can’t believe how far we have come ❤ we have almost reached the top of PND mountain! I’m so proud of myself, of my son, of my daughter and my husband for sticking by me through such a difficult phase – the support I got from them was just amazing! A good support system is the very vital role in getting through such a difficult phase. But remember – you are strong, you are courageous, you are beautiful and YOU ARE A GOOD MOM!

My beautiful boy now at 19 months old <3

My beautiful boy now at 19 months old ❤

I have always felt so terrible for how i felt towards my son - but i know now.... It all happened for a very good reason. I make it up to him now - every chance i get!  I'll never forget the thoughts i had, the feelings i felt, the guilt i currently feel - I hope he will forgive me one day !

I have always felt so terrible for how i felt towards my son – but i know now…. It all happened for a very good reason. I make it up to him now – every chance i get!
I’ll never forget the thoughts i had, the feelings i felt, the guilt i currently feel – I hope he will forgive me one day !